I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
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