I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
Ladies don't puke and tell
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Randomize
