You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
not ubering you a puppy
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
