Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
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