Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
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