New invention idea: vibrating tampons
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
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