I'm sorry my penis didn't work
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
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