the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
