She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
we dont know what were doing after yet. first up we have 90 beers and a party kit and fun hats.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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