we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
