I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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