I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
