He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
Randomize
