Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
