Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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