I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
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