after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
