Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
Randomize
