yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Randomize
