The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
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