you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
