he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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