Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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