Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
