I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
