just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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