Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Randomize
