This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
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