I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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