You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
