i can't believe i had my finger in that
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
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