he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
the gays at disneyland are vicious
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Randomize
