he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
No I am not eating basil off your cock
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
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