omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
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