I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
Randomize
