yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
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