things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
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