you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
