Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Randomize
