i will never coherently bang her
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
