Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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