I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
let's makeout let's makeout let's make out let's make out
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Randomize
