she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
