I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
he fucked my hip out of place.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
