Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
well you can't waste a boner
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
