escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
