Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Randomize
