I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Randomize
