You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
