I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Randomize
