wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
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