Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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