i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize
