well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Randomize
