this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Randomize
