just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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